i’m so glad I gave away my shift tomorrow bc if I hadn’t I would’ve had to call out and Phew man is luck apparently on my side this week despite everything else Sucking
i’ve been on hold with the doctors office for like….. 20 minutes…….. literally I just want someone to tell me why I’m constantly sick i’m so DONE!!!!!!! i’m also at the MVA so it’s just like….. whew boy…. a sis ain’t feelin great!!!!!!
please keep your fingers crossed that this new ENT i’m gonna see next week won’t fuck me over like the first two I’ve tried!!!!!! and that they can figure out what’s wrong with me!!!!! woo!!!!!!
i’ve been on hold with the doctors office for like….. 20 minutes…….. literally I just want someone to tell me why I’m constantly sick i’m so DONE!!!!!!! i’m also at the MVA so it’s just like….. whew boy…. a sis ain’t feelin great!!!!!!
I think i’m running a fever and I probably have strep and if this isn’t some sick type of motivation (no pun intended) to keep me going so that I can eventually quit this teaching job and rely more on serving then I don’t know what is!!!
I was going through my old sideblogs to try and find a new/better URL—bc lets be real the pizza queen really needs to be retired for good—and I just found all my hoards of old personal blogs from fall 2012 until mid 2015 and holy shit yall. the shit clay put me through is fucking astounding. like I wish I could go back in time and hug 19-22 year old me. and explain to her that someone that loved her wouldn’t put her through that type of shit? bc she was so miserable oh my god??? I mean im not gonna turn this into an “I deserved better” post bc I’ve made dozens of those over the years so that’s all played out. besides im very happy now so, like, PHEW!
but ever since this past NYE happened and some of my “friends” essentially re-traumatized me I’ve been thinking about the past, and the people who have abused or manipulated or traumatized me in any form or measure, and I’ve found myself in awe of how I handle current things (from legitimate traumas to everyday stressors) as someone who has been in active recovery for years and who has developed loads of self-worth and love for herself.
so to sum things up b4 I go on a silly tangent:
Today I am thankful for my health, my happiness, and my constantly-growing resilience. I am proud of myself, and I am content with the direction my life is heading. I am lucky to know my own worth as a friend, a family member, a coworker, an artist, a musician, and a person navigating this oftentimes unfriendly world. It is nice to make friends as easily as I do, but it is nicer to be able to remove people who harm me from my life quickly and efficiently, knowing that I have to come first and not allow myself to be the pincushion for someone else’s insecurities or general existential discomfort. I am thankful for my true friends and for the fact that I am able to navigate this world in a way that is both productive and healthy!
just thinking about the past. and about death. and about how six years ago, two nights before my grandma died I called my ex on the phone before I drove my mom to the hospital and when I told him what was happening he said “good. maybe she’ll die.”
